Collide Sequel to The Hardest Thing
by Joei Cassidy
Summary: Next chapter is up! The sequel to "The Hardest Thing". It starts 6 months after that fateful night. Obligations, responsibilities and jealousies collide with love. Then realizations hit. What happens? E/O. T for now eventual M.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.**_

_**If you haven't read my story, "The Hardest Thing" stop reading this right now and read that first. This story is a sequel to that one. If you haven't read that and you continue to read this, you may get confused because there are details here that you would only appreciate once you've read that. "The Hardest Thing" is just a one shot so you don't have to worry about having to read a long story. **_

_**In any case, this story begins six months after the end of "The Hardest Thing."**_

_**Hope you all enjoy this. Thank you for reading!**_

_**Again I have no beta, so I apologize in advance for any errors I may have missed. **_

**Sometimes, all you need to feel is a little bit of real happiness to finally realize how unhappy you've been…and that there is a chance for you to be happy again.**

. . .

For many months after he had shot Jenna dead, Elliot felt like he was going crazy. He kept reliving the nightmare in his dreams every night. There were times in that dream that Jenna also shot Olivia making it even worse than the reality.

But then he got help and he became okay. However as he was getting back on his feet and thinking about asking Cragen for his job back or at least going back to the NYPD, Kathy put her foot down and gave him her ultimatum. She said she couldn't take it anymore – that she could no longer take the every day stress of wondering whether she was going to be widow that day or not.

So he gave in. Instead of trying to get his job back, he turned in his papers and he had applied to one of the best law firms in the city, Beckett-Long - as their in-house investigator. His background gave him the necessary edge from the other candidates and a week after his first interview he was hired.

Kathy had even wanted them to move away from Queens. She wanted a complete change. But he drew the line there. He said if he was going to give up going to his job, then Kathy had to stay put. It can only be one or the other - _**not both**_. If she wanted to move, then he was going to get his SVU job back.

So Kathy chose the lesser of two evils – at least in her book. They stayed put in Glen Oaks but he didn't go back to SVU.

All of that was almost a year after he shot Jenna. Of course, he knew the real reason why she didn't want him going back to SVU. It wasn't about the job. She had been lying when she told him her reasons. After almost 30 years together, he knew it wasn't the risks of his job that she worried about – not least not usual risks at least, she was used to that. No the risk she didn't want take was the one that she might lose him to Olivia. Even though Olivia had been completely good to her and his entire family, his closeness with her did not earn Olivia Kathy's trust. Not by a long shot.

It had now been 6 months since that fateful night with Olivia. It was amazing that Kathy had not flipped out when he came home the day after. But looking back she probably gave him a pass because he did come home. She didn't know how close he was then to not coming home and she never will. Walking away from Olivia that night was truly the hardest thing he had ever had to do in his life. And he knew fully well that he only told Olivia that when he was over them, he would find her again and try to be friends with her to placate her that night. He knew that both of them would have broken that night had he not allowed the lie to pass his lips.

Elliot sighed. Has it already been 6 months? It didn't seem like time had passed by at all. He could still smell her scent. He could still remember how good it felt to hold her, to have her snuggled against him, to be inside her – to be making love to her as they both cried out and whimpered. He could still see her eyes meeting his when she first saw him, her running up to him like from some romantic comedy. He remembered everything like it happened just yesterday.

You would think 6 months would have given him some sort of distance and peace by now. But it hadn't. He still felt as sad and empty as that day.

When he came home to Kathy afterwards, she didn't really ask any questions. Except for one – she wanted to know whether or not he was okay now. If he had finished what he had to finish. It was easier to lie – essential to lie actually - than to tell the truth. And so he lied again and told her yes.

As the days crawled by, Elliot felt more and more trapped in their sham of a marriage. He didn't know what it was in him that made him continue to live this lie. Why couldn't he just tell Kathy that he was no longer in love with her? Sure, divorce was sin. But he didn't believe in a vengeful God. He believed in a forgiving God who forgave someone when they made mistakes. But even then, he couldn't do it.

Recently the trapped feeling had become even worse. It had gotten to the point that he had nightmares again. This time though his nightmares weren't about shooting Jenna. Instead this time he relived the time he had spent in solitary confinement because he wanted to know why their perp would rather die than go back there. The claustrophobic feeling he had when he was there for three days was bad enough. But they were worse in his dreams. Because in his dreams the walls of the cell would get narrower and narrower until he would wake up in a sweat because the walls were all but squeezing him.

He wanted out. He knew that in his heart. But every time he looked at Eli – he knew there was no way he could do that. Not if he wanted his son in his life. And besides he may not be in love with her, but he loved Kathy. And he didn't want to hurt her. So if that meant hurting himself instead, so be it.

'_Are you sure about this Elliot? Don't you think you're being unfair to yourself?'_

A voice in his head suddenly spoke up and it startled him. He had always fought those kinds of thoughts because he knew the moment he started thinking them, he wouldn't be able to stop.

But finally he couldn't squelch them anymore. They were demanding his attention and for him to find and get some answers. Thankfully though he was distracted right then. Just at the right time, he saw Olivia going up the steps of her Upper West Side apartment building. And she was alone. Elliot sighed, relieved and glad that she was home safely.

He had been doing this for a week now. He would wait on the side of the street of her building in his car. He would sit there until she finally saw him come home. It was amazing she had not seen him and caught him yet. But then again, he knew how tired one can be after a shift in SVU. That combined with the fact that his car was a new, made for her not noticing believable. He knew this couldn't last though. Next week her shift would change. He just got lucky right now. Just lucky or whatever, it didn't matter, he'll take it. It wasn't that he was stalking her but he wanted to see her. He missed her. And this was the only way he knew how to do so – at least at present.

He took a deep breath then exhaled audibly. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was 9 pm. He should head home. Kathy would start asking too many questions if he got home too late. And though he knew he could think of a plausible excuse, he didn't really need that kind of stress right now.

'_Elliot you really should think things through. You watching for Olivia every night is not normal. If she's the one you love don't you owe to everyone to be honest about that?'_

Another unbidden thought insisting on being paid attention to came alive.

**Oh God, what was he going to do? **

He stayed there another five minutes, unable to move, his head full of thoughts, unable to tear himself away, wanting to just say "Fuck it!" and run up to Olivia. But still he didn't. Still he couldn't….wouldn't. Knowing in his gut somehow that Olivia wasn't going to go out again that night, he finally started his car and after one last glance at her window, he started making his way back to Glen Oaks.

. . .

The next day, Elliot had the day off. But he didn't tell Kathy. Beckett-Long had given him the day off the case he had been assigned to had just wrapped. And since it had been a long and hard one, they told him to take the day off and to just come back the next day.

He felt bad for not telling Kathy. But then he really wanted a day to himself. At first he didn't know what he wanted to do. Kathy had afternoon shift in the hospital and so he would need to pick up Eli from day care by 5:30 pm.

His first thought was to go to Olivia's Upper West Side neighborhood again. But he knew that wasn't a good idea. So instead he found himself going to the Bayside church he went to growing up.

He glanced at the clock and saw that it was only about 10 am. He knew confessions began at 9 and ended at 12 noon. Then they began again at 3 pm and lasted until 6 pm.

He parked the car at the lot beside the church. He hesitated only a moment before he determinedly made his way inside the church that he not been inside in so long but still remained familiar to him. As much as he loved their parish church in Glen Oaks, this one always gave him a different feeling – a feeling like – a return to innocence so to speak because he had been so young when he used to hear Mass here. And that feeling gave him comfort now.

He saw that he was the only person inside the church. But when he got to the confessional box he saw that the red light was on. That only meant that there was someone else inside.

And so he genuflected then went to sit on one of the pews next to the confessional box. He was just about to start his prayer when suddenly a familiar voice rang out, "Elliot Stabler, is that you?"

Startled, Elliot looked up and saw the smiling, gentle face of Father Nicholas O'Brien. He could not believe that he was still there. "Fr. Nick! You're still here!"

Elliot stood up and shook the hand of the elderly Jesuit priest. He had been the Parish priest of St. Ignatius for a long time. It was nice to see some things never change.

Fr. Nick chuckled and replied, "Yes, I still am."

"That's great, Father! I'm sure the St. Ignatius parishioners would all be sad if you left them."

Father Nick, chuckled again and answered, "Thank you Elliot. So what brings you here? How is everyone in your family?"

"Good, good. All of my kids except one are out of the house. Maureen's working now, so's Kathleen. The twins started college last year. Richard is in NYU while Lizzie is in Fordham. Only Eli is with us now."

"Great and your wife…what was her name again?"

"Kathy."

"Oh yes Kathy. How is she?"

"She's…she's good." Elliot heard the slight hesitation in his voice and hoped that Fr. Nick didn't hear it.

But if the old Jesuit heard it, he didn't give any indication of it. Instead, he just smiled. "I'm glad, Elliot. So how that we're done with the how are yous, can I ask what brings you here?"

Again, Elliot faltered. He didn't count on running into anyone he knew. But then he remembered that the confessional box's light was on so it must mean that Fr. Nick wasn't the priest hearing confessions at the moment. So he took a deep breath and replied, "Well, to be honest, I wanted to go to confession."

"Something on your mind, son?" Fr. Nick asked, his eyes still alert even his old age searched Elliot's face in concern.

"You could say that…" Elliot hedged.

"Well, then…as they say confession is good for the soul. So let's get to it." Fr. Nick stated, a smile on his face, starting to make his way to the confessional.

"But I thought there was someone there, the light was red."

Fr. Nick looked sheepish then and replied somewhat guiltily. "You have to forgive for that slight deception, Elliot. It's just that I don't want people seeking the sacrament of reconciliation to think there isn't a priest. So during these three hours, if I need to go to the bathroom, I put the red light on so that people won't leave."

Elliot chuckled. "I see. No problem, Fr. Nick."

"Good. So shall we?"

A pause. Then Elliot nodded and they both entered the confessional and settle on opposite ends of the booth – the priest and the penitent.

After he closed the door behind him, Elliot knelt down, made the sign of the cross and intoned: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been almost a year since my last confession. My sins are I've been selfish, I've lost my temper and…."

Elliot's voice suddenly trailed off. All at once he was unsure if he could go through with this. It was one thing to have done it and thought about it but to admit it to a priest even under the seal of confession – well it made it all too real. It made it all too much of sin. But then again how else was he going to get absolution?

On the other side, Fr. Nick somehow knew that Elliot had a lot to unload and simply waited patiently. He knew from experience that if he pushed someone the person may retreat instead of opening up and somehow he knew that Elliot needed to open up to someone right now.

"Father?" Elliot's voice rang out a few minutes later.

"Yes, Elliot?"

"I know in a traditional confession I'm just supposed to list my sins and tell you I'm sorry for them, but I really need to talk to someone Fr. Nick. I feel like I'm going out of my mind."

"Elliot, that is the reason why we are here. We are here to listen not to judge." Father Nick told him gently.

"Thank you Father."

"I'm listening, my son."

Elliot paused once more, took a deep breath then plunged. "Fr. Nick, I'm in love with another woman. And I've had sexual relations with her – just once but we have. And Father this is not a one night stand for me. I truly love her - I am very much in love with her."

"I see." The priest's tone was serious but not judgmental.

"Fr. Nick, I love my family more than anything in the world. I don't want to lose them. But at the same time, I cannot deny it. I love Olivia."

"Does Olivia feel the same way about you?" Fr. Nick asked cautiously.

"Yes, she does." Elliot confided.

"Are you still seeing each other?"

"No, I haven't seen her since that night I had relations with her 6 months ago. I told her I couldn't be with her then. And we agreed not to see each other after that night."

"Well, it seems like you already made a choice, Elliot."

"I thought so too. I thought I could do this, Father. But I'm not sure anymore. You see about a year and a half ago, I shot a girl – a teenage girl that had been able to sneak in a gun at the precinct I work in – and I fell apart. I got help and when I was okay again, Kathy asked me to give up police work. I did because I wanted her to be happy. Even though I knew the reason she gave me for wanting me to quit was a lie, I agreed."

"What do you mean the reason she gave you was a lie?"

"She told me she could no longer live with the danger that came with police work. That she couldn't wonder any more about whether or not I would come home and that's the reason she asked me to quit."

"But you don't think that's the reason."

"I know it isn't the reason."

"So what is the reason that she asked you to quit, in your opinion?"

"She asked me to quit because of my partner."

"Whose name is Olivia?"

"Yes. She saw the aftermath of that incident as the perfect tool to get me away from her. And I let her. I turned in my papers and walked away. I never said goodbye to Olivia or any member of my team actually."

"Why not?"

"Because Father, I really don't think I could have given it all up if I even showed up there even if it was just to supposedly say goodbye. So I took the coward's way out."

"Okay, then what happened? How did you get from there to here?"

And so for the next few minutes, Elliot recounted to Fr. Nick what had happened during his one night visit to Olivia. The Jesuit's heart went out to Elliot as he narrated his story. Never had he seen a man so torn by his obligation to his wife and family and his love for another woman. Nowadays, people divorced so easily that it was in a way refreshing to see someone who still took marriage seriously, who still held it sacred.

When Elliot finally finished his narrative, Fr. Nick spoke once more, "Son, I can tell how torn you are about all of this."

"I am Fr. Nick. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel so trapped and sad and I've been having nightmares about being trapped in a cell that is literally closing in on me."

"Elliot, I haven't seen you in years, but I can see clearly that you are very unhappy right now. I can see how much you are hurting"

"You know Father About 8 years ago, Kathy left me, and eventually, filed for divorce and I remember going to confession to try and sort out my thoughts and I remember telling the priest that I feel like everyone kept leaving me. At that time I was having trouble even with Olivia – as her partner and I wasn't sure if we were going to stay partners. I had been so angry at Kathy for leaving me I had been letting it out on her."

"What did the priest tell you then?"

"He wasn't able to tell me anything because my beeper went off and I had to go. But the only thing he told me after was that for my penance I should call my wife. Anyway that was a long time ago. We got back together. But I wish I could tell you it was for the right reasons. In a way it is, but it wasn't because we decided to try again."

"Then why did you?"

"Because I had a weak moment and I had relations with Kathy and once more I got her pregnant. She asked me to come back and so I did. Not because I wanted to – I have to admit but because it was my obligation and my responsibility and because ultimately I thought divorce was wrong and sin. And for a while things were okay between us. But then we never fixed what was broke between us and eventually our relationship deteriorated again. But I didn't want to lose my family so I stayed. It's my obligation."

"Elliot, you may find what I'm about to say blasphemous, but hear me out. We Jesuits aren't regarded as the most controversial order there is out there for nothing after all. I'd like to ask you though. Shelving your Catholicism for the moment, can I ask you, if you weren't Catholic, would you have a problem divorcing Kathy?"

Suddenly there was silence from Elliot's end. His heart started to suddenly beat faster.

"Elliot?" This time Fr. Nick prodded him.

"Yes, Father, I'm here and the answer to that question is I don't know. I mean I AM Catholic so I have never even thought of divorce not being a sin or wrong."

"But Kathy filed for a divorce before?"

"Yes and I signed it but before it went through, we got back together for the reasons I told you."

"Then if that's the case, if you signed divorce papers before, not that I'm advocating it, but I have to ask, then why are you having a hard time with it now?"

"Because Father, she was the one who filed it. Not me. At that time, I wasn't ready to give up on us."

"And what makes things so different now that you're contemplating it – that is if I'm not mistaken."

"The difference is Father is that I'm older and I've finally admitted to myself what I couldn't admit a long time ago. That I love Olivia. It took my walking away and losing her to make me realize that I'm in love with her and that I am not happy with Kathy. You see Father, I never felt before or realized that before because I had both of them. I had my job with Olivia and my home with Kathy. Maybe I was already emotionally cheating on Kathy then. And maybe in a way with that set up I was getting my cake and being able to eat too. With Kathy at home and Olivia at work even though we kept it professional and platonic all these years till that night I told you about – it was like I had the best of both women. That wasn't my intention but that's how it turned out."

"I know Elliot."

"Fr. Nick, I don't know what to do. I know I'm being unfair to everyone including myself. I mean don't I deserve to be happy? Doesn't Olivia and doesn't Kathy? We all deserve to be happy. But right now it seems Kathy is the only one who is happy."

"Maybe she doesn't know any better Elliot. Maybe you should talk to her. Give her a chance to fix your relationship."

"But what if I don't want to fix it?"

"Elliot, you've held out this long. Surely, you talk to your wife at the very least and see if she's willing to make some changes so that you're not so unhappy."

"Maybe if I didn't let her talk me into quitting SVU I wouldn't be in this situation. But then again, I've been in love with Olivia a long time. In or out of SVU that's not gonna change."

"Are you sure, Elliot?"

"Yes, Father, I am."

"Why do you love her?"

"Why? How can I not? She's the kindest, gentlest, most unselfish woman I've ever met - she's beautiful inside and out. Even though Kathy was jealous of her, Kathy would still go to her to talk about me, there was a time that my 2nd daughter got into trouble and she went to my mom to ask for help. Not Kathy but her. Then there was a time that Dickie – Richard - one of the twins and I were having such a bad time – teen stuff and we couldn't get along – it was Olivia also who talked to him. Hell, Olivia even took Kathy to a doctor's appointment for me and when they met an accident along the way, and Kathy went into labor with our youngest, Olivia was the one who was there to help her. I could give you so many more examples, but I think you get the point, Father. There's no way I cannot love her."

Fr. Nick couldn't see Elliot's face from where he sat but he heard the change in his voice. And he knew that Elliot really did love this Olivia. But still he had to be the one to ask the tough questions. "Loving her is not the same as being in love with her, Elliot."

"I know, Father. But I just don't love her. I am in love with her. And I can't be with her." His voice cracked then. Though he knew Fr. Nick couldn't see him, he still tried to keep his tears at bay.

"Elliot, son, I'm sorry but I have no easy solutions for you here. But I promise you the right first step is to talk to Kathy. I think if she knows unhappy you've been, then maybe you and her can come to an agreement of what the right next step should be. I am not an advocate of divorce Elliot, I can't be. But at the same time, I believe deep in my heart that people should be given a chance to be happy. And that love should be a two way street. It cannot be one way. So talk to her, Elliot. For your own sake, please talk to her."

Elliot sniffled and didn't answer for a few minutes. Again Fr. Nick patiently waited. And again, his patience paid off. "Thank you Father for listening to me. You have no idea how good it feels to at least get this off my chest and have someone listen and not judge."

"You're welcome Elliot. You're always welcome here. Come talk to me anytime."

"Thank you. I will. In any case father, for all of this and all my other sins, I am truly sorry."

At that, Fr. Nick gave Elliot his absolution and then told him, "For your penance, Elliot, two things. I want you to pray the rosary every night for two weeks and second talk to Kathy."

"Okay, Father. I will. You have my word. Thank you."

With that, Elliot left. And though he wasn't closer on knowing what to do, he felt better. Maybe it really was true - confession WAS good for the soul. He really hoped so.

. . .

Kathy had a bewildered look but happy look on her face as she walked back to Mercy Hospital from her break. She didn't know how but she just had the best conversation with a man in a long time.

She met him at the corner Starbucks where she usually popped in to escape the hospital during her breaks. She usually just chose a corner table and read while sipping a latte or a Frappuccino. But today, the store had gotten crowded and a man had approached her asking if she minded sharing the table with him. She didn't.

The next thing she knew they were talking. And they continued talking. His name was James MacGregor – he was tall – taller than Elliot at about 6'2". He had a full head of brown hair and he had hazel eyes. He wasn't as muscular as Elliot but she could tell he was in good shape. As it turned out, James was an IT consultant and he had just come from Mercy Hospital to talk to them about upgrading their computer systems. She had glanced at his hand and saw that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. But then again that didn't mean anything. She was married and she had no ring on. She took it off during her duty hours in Mercy because putting gloves on and off with a ring was a hassle. Especially since she had lost some weight recently and there were times that when she took the gloves off, the ring would come off with it.

For some reason she didn't mention to James that she was married. She didn't know why. But when it didn't come up, she never mentioned it. And for the nearly 20 minutes she had left of her break, she talked to him and had fun.

When she finally had to excuse herself to go, she was already gone over her break time by 5 minutes. But before she left, James asked for her number. Almost running on autopilot and not wanting to think of the whys and wherefores, she gave him her number quickly so as to not change her mind before he got it.

After he had programmed her number into his iPhone he stood up and extended his hand, smiling. Kathy hesitated for only a moment and then took his hand. Their eyes locked on each other, each smiling and Kathy felt a jolt as it hit her that he was "shaking" her had a little longer than necessary.

Finally though she pulled her hand away and started to walk away. But then James called out before she could three steps. "Kathy!"

Quickly she turned around and asked, "Yes?"

"It was nice meeting you." James told her, his eyes sparkling.

"Same here. Have a great day."

"I will. I'll call you."

"Okay."

That was it. It was funny but right then Kathy felt like a giddy high school kid who had just met a handsome boy she had an instant crush on. Except she wasn't in high school anymore. And she had 5 kids – 4 of whom were grown. And she was married.

Her smile faded as she entered the hospital. Oh well, he probably wouldn't call. But it was nice that even for a few minutes, she could feel attractive and happy again.

As she rode up the elevator to the surgery nurses' station, though the reality of her life had settled in once again, she couldn't help but feel a lingering happiness. A forbidden wish also wormed it's way inside her mind then as she thought, "I hope he calls me."

. . .

TBC

_**So what does Elliot do? Does he take Fr. Nick's advice and talk to Kathy? **_

_**How's Olivia doing? Has she been okay all this time? Does Elliot have anything to go back to if he decides to end things with Kathy?**_

_**And Kathy, does James call her? What happens when he does? Or doesn't? What will it mean for her marriage to Elliot?**_

_**All this and more, up next…**_

_**In the meantime, thank you for reading and please do review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine. **_

_**Apologies for the delay on this chapter! Being on the job hunt kept me busy and now that I have a job I'm even more busy. LOL. But I promise to try and update more regularly. Next update planned is for It Happened One Night unless something else calls to me before. LOL.**_

_**There are spoilers here for the first two episodes of Season 14. So just a warning if you haven't seen that. **_

_**Well that's it for now folks! Hope you enjoy! **_

_**Just to let you know once more, I have no beta so if you find any errors – typo or grammatical ones, please let me know so I can correct it right away. Thanks!**_

Sometimes, it takes a trip to the unfamiliar in order to realize you haven't been happy and that you can be happy again….

. . .

She had changed at the same Starbucks they met. It was a tight squeeze in the coffee hangout's restroom but she didn't to take the chance that one of her co-nurses or any of the people she knew at Mercy Hospital saw her.

She hadn't dressed up for a night now in a long time. Most of the time, on the rare occasions that she and Elliot went out on a "date night" the farthest they got would be Astoria. But usually they just went around the neighborhood. So there was never really any opportunity to dress up.

Kathy tried to tell herself that this wasn't a date but just two new friends having dinner together on a Friday night. But try as she might to convince herself, she failed. She knew that it wasn't just a date. And even though they had only met that one time in Starbucks, she knew, she just knew that James wasn't interested in her just as a friend. As a teenager she knew that when Elliot first called her and now nearly 30 years later, she also knew it with James.

When she was finally done, she got out of the cubicle and looked at herself in the mirror. And she grinned at her reflection. She had done her makeup prior to putting on her outfit and she liked what she saw. For the first in a long time she saw a glow on her face that hadn't been there in a long time. And it wasn't the makeup although that was almost flawless too. Dark eyeliner had brought out the blue in her eyes as well as the black mascara that touched her eyelashes. The smoky gray eye shadow on her lids served as the cap to making her eyes stand out. Her eyes had always been her best feature and tonight that fact was very much highlighted. A light dusting of blush and rose lipstick on her lip completed the look.

She was going to put her hair up at first but then decided against it. Instead she simply brushed it until it shone. She was glad that she had decided to grow it out. She had to admit her blonde hair complimented the little black dress she was wearing. The dress had slim straps and a scooped neckline and ended about an inch above her knee. Medium high black peep-toe pumps completed her look.

She glanced at her watch and saw that it was 10 minutes till 8. She had 40 minutes to get to La Pigalle at 8th Avenue and 50th Street. It wasn't far. She'd be there on time. It was just a couple of subway stops away. She'd take a cab but knowing midtown traffic she'd be safer taking the subway.

After one last glance at the mirror, she checked her purse once more. Seeing that her wedding ring was tucked in safely inside the pocket and the replacement ring firmly in place on the finger where it had been, she pushed all guilt away, took a deep breath and left.

. . .

Elliot was happy that Kathy had gone out with the girls that night. He needed a night to himself… well, almost to himself. Eli was there. But that was okay. He enjoyed bonding with his almost 6 year old. And besides since he was so young, he was asleep by 8 pm and Elliot had the peace and quiet he needed.

It had been two weeks since he had gone to confession. Every night he told himself he would talk to Kathy. But every night something came up to hinder his accomplishing that. Whether he came home late, or Eli was in a bad mood, or Kathy had a headache – something always prevented him from talking to her.

Maybe it was God's way of telling him it wasn't the right time or maybe he just had awful timing. But whatever it was, for the last two weeks it never worked out.

He had stopped going to Olivia's apartment. He knew it wasn't healthy. They had agreed to stay away from each other – well he had told her that they needed to stay away from each other and as hurt as she was, she agreed - watching her apartment definitely wasn't staying away from her

He also knew if he kept going to her apartment, one day he'd see someone go home with her and he knew he wouldn't be able to take that. He remembered the jealousy he felt when Dean Porter tried with her. Dean had only offered to take her home and he already could barely stomach that. What more actually seeing a guy go home with her? No, for the meantime, he definitely was better off staying away.

Suddenly he was startled out of his reverie as he heard Eli call out from his room. "Dad! Can I have some water please?"

"Okay, Eli. Be right there."

So what was he going to do now? He knew he needed to talk to Kathy. Maybe he really should plan it? Maybe take her out to dinner and talk to her then? He sighed as he poured water into a glass for Eli. Well, he'd think more on it later. For now he needed to get Eli back to sleep.

. . .

She was trying to move on with her life. She really was. Recently it was easier to put her thoughts of Elliot at the back of her mind because of the upheaval that the 16th precinct just went through. In way she was kind of glad that Elliot had not been there for that. She knew he would have probably suffered a lot with the scrutiny that SVU had been put on after the whole thing with Paula Foster and Delia and all her cronies. Elliot wasn't exactly the most by the book detective and because of that as much as she wanted him back on the squad, she was glad he wasn't there right then.

Thankfully, everything was okay now. The people involved – a whole bunch of them from the highest echelons of legal society were arrested. Cragen had been cleared but of course because of the accusations against him, he wasn't back on the squad yet. She knew he would be in the next few weeks. But right now, they had to make do with the interim captain, Captain Harris.

"Liv?"

Suddenly, Olivia's thoughts were interrupted. She saw that Brian had come out into her living room. He had been staying with her since he got out of the hospital.

She had to admit she was less lonely with him around. And technically what she told him at the hospital was true. She wasn't the same person she was 14 years ago. She knew it had been loneliness and guilt that he had been shot while he was with her that propelled her to do and say all that she had in the hospital. But it didn't mean it wasn't right. Maybe she SHOULD forget Elliot. Brian was a good guy. And he had always liked her. He could actually be in love with her. So why couldn't she love him back? There was no reason not to.

But that was all too much to ponder at the moment. So in the meantime, she simply smiled and replied, as he crossed the room. "Hey."

Brian smiled back, plopping himself on her couch and leaned forward to give her a quick kiss on the lips. It wasn't Elliot kissing her but it was a nice kiss nevertheless. She just wished that his kisses gave her the chills that Elliot's had. But of course, life wasn't about having the chills all the time. But again there would be time for that later. Right now, it's just too much. It had only been less than two weeks with Brian and she was already questioning it – and all for a man who already belonged to someone else.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked, her voice soft.

"I guess I'm better. I just wish the painkillers didn't make me so sleepy all the time." Brian answered, smiling ruefully.

"I know. But hey, for the first time in years, at least you get to just lie around and be lazy." Olivia reminded him.

"Yeah. And I get to be lazy with you." Brian grinned and pulled her closer to him.

"Hmmm…" Olivia replied, wrapping her arms around him. She closed her eyes and tried to lose herself in the moment. But her traitorous mind wouldn't cooperate. The moment she closed her eyes the face that entered her thoughts wasn't of the man in her arms.

Desperate to push him out of her head, she pulled away slightly so that she could kiss Brian. This time their kiss wasn't quick. This time the kiss was deep and while it wasn't urgent it wasn't languid either. When they finally pulled apart, Olivia was gratified to see that Brian was a little out of breath. "Did you like that?"

"Oh hell yeah." Brian had a rather punch drunk look on his face just then.

"Good."

"It was better than good, Liv." Brian told her, a silly grin spreading across his face.

Olivia laughed. "I'm glad you think so."

"I also remember what other things were more than good with you." Brian said, his tone suggestive as he met her gaze.

Olivia swallowed slightly. She knew what he meant. Even though they had been staying together for the last week and a half, they hadn't actually had sex. Heavy make out sessions and all, yes but not sex. The doctor hadn't cleared Brian for that. But the two of them were never too much for obeying rules like that. But still Olivia was glad for the reprieve. She wasn't sure if she was ready to sleep with him. Physically of course she was. But emotionally, she wasn't sure. True, she'd had a one night stand here and there since that night with Elliot but this wasn't a one night stand. This was Brian. And she really didn't want to hurt him again.

_If you don't want to hurt him again, Liv, then what are you doing with him?_

Suddenly a voice in her head came alive asking the question that needed to be asked but she didn't want to deal with.

But she wasn't ready to deal with it and so once more she pushed it away.

So she just smiled at him again and replied, "I know Brian. But you know what the doctor said."

Brian groaned. "I know. It sucks."

Olivia chuckled and replied, "I know. You know I want you too, right?"

"You do?"

"Of course." Olivia let her gaze travel to his lips then downward before going up again.

And once more, Brian let out a groan. "Liv, you're gonna kill me. Let's talk about something else before I spontaneously combust."

This time, Olivia let out a loud laugh and replied, "Sure, what do you want to talk about?"

Brian was quiet for a while. Olivia looked at him in anticipation. He seemed deep in thought but then finally he took a deep breath and asked, "Liv, what happened to Elliot?"

Olivia's breath hitched and she answered, "What do you mean what happened to him? He retired."

"Why?"

"He shot a girl and he couldn't take it and he retired."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So you still see him?"

"No. Why do you ask, Brian?" Olivia's heart was beating a mile a minute. She needed to get Brian to stop talking about Elliot. She didn't want to think about him right now. Especially not with him.

"I…I guess I just always thought you'd end up with him." Brian finally told her in a quiet tone.

"What do you mean?"

"Come off it, Liv. Everyone knew even during that first year of your partnership."

"What did everyone know, Brian?"

"That he was in love with you and you were in love with him."

Olivia didn't know whether to laugh or cry then. Oh why oh why did Elliot continue to haunt her even now that he wasn't in her life? But she couldn't let Brian see how tortured she was about Elliot so she forced a smile and in what she hoped was a jovial tone said, "That again. Damn, 14 years later and I still get that?"

But Brian wasn't about to be distracted and intoned, "Liv. C'mon. Be honest."

"C'mon Cassidy, how can you even think that let alone ask that? He was married then and he's married now."

"So? Doesn't mean he wasn't in love with you and that you weren't in love with him."

"Even if we were, what does it matter? He's married. He's still married."

"It does matter."

"How?"

"Because the Olivia I know would fight for the one she loved."

"Brian, I loved Elliot Stabler, I still do…. But…" Olivia's voice trailed off. She knew what she should say. But could she say it knowing that it would be a total lie?

"But what?" Brian prodded her.

"But he and I weren't in love." Olivia fought to contain the tremor in her voice and she succeeded. At least she thought so.

"You weren't?" Doubt was etched clearly on Brian's face.

"Even if I were, which I wasn't, it was a long time ago Brian. And he's gone now."

"You and I were a long time ago too, Liv. And remember, you didn't really like me then. And yet I'm here now, with you."

"Exactly Brian. That was then. This is now. And I realize I treated you badly and I really am sorry about that. But I'm a different person now. And I…" Once more, Olivia's voice trailed off.

This time Brian didn't prod her and instead he just waited patiently for her to continue.

Olivia took a deep breath and then once more met Brian's eyes. "And I want to see if things can go somewhere with us."

"Are you sure, Liv?" Brian asked. "Because I want you to be sure. I want you to be here with me not out of loneliness or anything like that. I want you here with me because you really want to try with us. If that isn't what's bringing you to me, then tell me now and we'll part as friends."

There. He was giving her an out. She should just be honest. But then the words that came out of her mouth weren't the truth. "Why all these questions now, Cassidy?"

"Why not, Liv? I mean is there ever a good time to ask these kinds of questions?"

"I suppose not." Olivia admitted.

"So answer my question Liv." Brian said. "Please." The last word was soft yet firm.

"Brian," Olivia answered, cupping his face in her hands, " I'm here because I want to try with you. When I thought I lost you when you were shot, I thought I was going to die. That must mean something right? And I want to find out if it does. Is that okay, Brian? Can we find out?"

Brian searched her face looking for any sign of insincerity but he could not find one. And so finally he broke into a smile and told her, "Alright, Liv. Let's find out."

"Good."

"Good." Brian echoed, still smiling. Then he pulled her into his arms again and gave her a long lingering kiss. They only broke apart when Olivia's buzzer buzzed.

The two of them groaned at the sound and Brian said, "Whoever that is has the worst timing."

"Sorry." Olivia returned, chuckling. "That's probably the pizza I ordered."

"Great! I'm suddenly starving."

"Well, you better eat up. And if you play your cards right Cassidy, who knows you may get dessert." Olivia said, her eyes sparking mischievously.

"All right!" Brian exclaimed.

Still laughing, Olivia extracted herself from Brian's embrace and went to answer the door. She was off the hook – for now.

. . .

Kathy and James had finished dinner. And they headed south to 49th Street to Da Marino – an Italian restaurant where you could drink too, for a nightcap. They had a couple of drinks before finally calling it a night. James offered to take her home but of course, Kathy knew there was no way she'd allow him to. So she said that she had left her stuff in Mercy and that he could drop her off there. He agreed and the two of them hailed a cab and made their way back to Mercy Hospital. When they got there, the cab parked at the side of the street and Kathy said, "Well thank you for a wonderful dinner. I had a lot of fun."

"Me too." James told her, a tender look on his face. "I hope we can do it again?"

A sudden grin lit up Kathy's face and suddenly she looked so much younger than her 46 years. "I'd like that."

"Good. I'll call you next week."

"Okay. Well. Thank you again."

Kathy made a move to get out of the cab but then James reached for her arm and pulled her back in. And then before she could even comprehend what was happening, James kissed her. It was a short kiss. But nevertheless it sent tingles all the way down to her toes.

When they broke apart, they grinned at each other and then James said, "I'll call you next week."

Once more Kathy nodded and with one last smile, she got out of the cab.

Kathy was now on a cab back to Glen Oaks and she was deep in thought. For the first time in a long time she had truly enjoyed a conversation with a man. James seemed to find her fascinating and she felt the same about him. And though she felt some guilt, truth be told it was very minute compared to the…what was it? Then it hit her. She felt happy for the first time in a long time.

She began to play back their date in her mind. The two of them seemed to devour information about each other. She found out that he had been with his company for two years. That he lived in Stamford, Connecticut and did the Manhattan – Connecticut commute every day via the Metro North. She found out that he was 48 years old and that he had been married once but was now divorced.

She asked him what happened and then had blushed at the very personal aspect of her question. But James didn't mind. He said, "It's okay Kathy. It was a long time ago. And our divorce was very amicable."

"So what happened?"

"Nothing really. She and I got married too fast. We met while we were both on vacation with our respective group of friends in Cabo. We met, spent the week that we were in Cabo together and then three months later when we got back to the East Coast we got married. And before you ask, no she wasn't pregnant. It just felt like the right thing to do at that time. We stayed married for almost 6 years too. And we had a son after two years. But then we as these things happen, we realized that we weren't really compatible. She was meticulous, I'm very casual, she liked classical music, I like rock and roll and a thousand other little things. So we decided to be grown-ups and end things. It was hard. We were both Catholic. Neither of us were thrilled at the prospect of divorce. But we also wanted to be happy. And we couldn't give each other that. So we let each other go. It was the best decision we ever made. We're still friends. And she's happily married to another Scottish guy. They live in Long Island. And our son, Jason is there with her – well until this year. He graduates in June. I see him as much as I can – we have joint custody. And I really do hope someday, I find what she's already found."

"Wow! That's great James. Not many divorce stories end as happily as yours."

"I know. I'm pretty lucky." James replied. "How about you? Ever been married? Kids?"

She knew that she couldn't tell him she was still married. Her wedding ring left a mark on her finger but she had covered that up with another ring. So she didn't worry about that. But she did have to answer so she told him a lie.

"Yes. I have 5 kids." Kathy told him.

"Whoa! Five! No way."

"Yes. All but one of them, are out of the house. The eldest is 27."

"No way. There is no way you could have a 27 year old daughter." The look admiration on James' face was apparent and Kathy blushed again.

"Thank you. But yes, I do. My ex got me pregnant in high school and we stayed together nearly 30 years. We just recently divorced." Kathy found the lie rolling off her tongue very easily.

"How recent?"

"A year." More lies.

"Our youngest is almost 6."

"Wow a 27 year old and a 6 year old."

"Yeah, what can I say? Eli was much as a surprise as Maureen was."

"But almost 30 years. Wow, Kathy. That must have been hard."

You have no idea, Kathy thought. But then she replied, "Yes it was. He was really all I knew but then we finally realized…we got married too young and we grew up. When we did, we grew apart. And we owed to ourselves to be happy. And we weren't happy together."

"And your kids they were okay with that?"

"The four grown ones were. They understood."

"How about the little guy?"

"Well he doesn't understand it. Not yet anyway. All he knows is that Daddy is no longer around as much. It was hard at first, but he eventually got used to it. And like you, we have joint custody."

"That's good to hear."

After they got through that, they talked about their likes, their dislikes. She found out that while James was adventurous with his work, he had specific likes and dislikes when it came to food. She confessed the same though she had to add that it was probably from lack of experience. She had never been out of the USA. James on the other hand had been all over the globe and when Kathy mentioned it was her dream to go to Europe and Asia one day, James had casually replied that maybe one day, he'd take her.

The man was planning future things with her and it just hit Kathy right at that moment. She couldn't help but grin again to herself. She wished that this cab ride would last forever. She wanted to bask in the afterglow of her date with James. But then as with all good things, she was suddenly five minutes away from her house – her house with Elliot. She sighed. Back to reality.

Just then however, her cell phone beeped. Reluctantly she glanced at it thinking it was Elliot. But it wasn't. It was a text message from James. It said: _**Thank you for a wonderful time, Kathy. See you soon. And get home safely. Take care.**_

That was it. She was giddy again, all at once and she quickly typed out a reply. _**Same here, James. I'm almost home. Take care too, and I'll see you soon.**_ And before she could think more of it, she sent the message.

And then she was home. She paid the cab fare and then making sure she didn't look too happy that she'd need to explain herself to Elliot, she entered the house.

. . .

It was almost midnight and Elliot heard Kathy get in. At first he was going to get up and greet her. But then suddenly feeling almost overwhelmingly tired, he decided against it. He heard her go in and check on Eli and then a few minutes later, he heard her enter their room quietly.

He kept his eyes closed and prayed that Kathy would not try to wake him. Fortunately, God seem to hear his prayer because she didn't. Several minutes passed and then he felt her lie down next to him. She didn't try to pull him to her. She just lay down on her side of the bed, turned over the opposite direction and slept. Elliot breathed a sigh of relief as he too, drifted back to sleep.

. . .

**To be continued…**

_**Whoa! So Kathy went out on a date! Will Elliot catch her? When will he talk to Kathy? And Brian and Liv? Why didn't Olivia take the out Brian offered her? Will Elliot find out about them or will Olivia break things off with Brian before he has a chance to? **_

_**All coming up next! Again sorry for the delay. Hope you enjoyed this one! Please do review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_

_**Thank you for reading.**_


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